pick up sticks and lincoln logs

So much of my first memories involve one or more of our extended family members. Many of those memories took place at Grandma Witt's house. Grandma Witt had a sparkly popcorn textured ceiling, couch that were scratchy and toys hidden in her back rooms. Sunday after church we would gather at her house, which was right in Ripon, along with most everything else back then. We would burst in and expect her amazing chocolate chip cookies, which no one has ever replicated, and knowing exactly where to find the pick up sticks and lincoln logs. We'd eat our cookies and sit down to play a game, at her kitchen table, with the plastic table cloth. Grandma Witt's house had a special smell, it was like nothing else, like cookies and moth balls and just HER.

When we would play games, it was not often but sometimes that a quarrel would break out amongst us, if this did happen, we would get a look saying that we needed to "stop it" or a gentle hand on the main instigators back which was a reminder that we were to play nicely. The kitchen table was near the sliding glass doors to the outside. Just beyond those doors was an aviary, which sometimes had birds in it. The aviary was as tall as the porch ceiling, from floor to ceiling it had small perches and small birds filled the cage. Just a few, but I still am not sure where the birds came from or where they went once she moved to the Bethany home. Further out there was her back yard, sometimes it felt like a magical garden, with trees in the back corner and a lawn that wrapped around the back corner of the house. Funnily, we didn't spend as much time out there as we did in the front yard, which also had a tree and it shaded much of the yard. We always went trick or treating there, it was one of the few places we were allowed to go, but I remember walking up the driveway, dressed as a gypsy, waiting to say "trick or treat"

One of my favorite parts of Grandma Witt's house, was its closeness to the local park, we would walk down there and play on the swings and slide, it was a big park with a huge lawn expanse and just a few toys to play on. We had to use our imaginations to play there, but I think walking over was just as much fun as playing there. We would joke and run and pass the houses, some of them filled with people we knew who would wave as we passed, it's been many years since I've been there, but still now, I think back fondly on the times we had there. Often I have dreamed of the walk there and back and playing at the park, full of good memories and things that never happened but in my mind.

I also enjoyed the fact that Grandma Witt's house was open to all, this meant that other more distant family members would gather there as well, it was from some of them that I learned to not be closed off to new people, or men who had (as I mentioned earlier) scared me. Tim was always friendly, he actually was my mom's first cousin from her mother's side, he had a thunderbird, complete with the bird on the hood, that car always signalled that fun awaited us when we got there. He was a little younger than my aunts and uncles and would play or talk with us, which made us feel important, and he always had a smile. Years later when he married Robin, I was a little skeptical of her, mostly because I assumed that he wasn't going to grow up, he was part of the "kids" in a sense and bridged the gap between adult and child for us. Michael also would come by sometimes and if I remember correctly, had stayed at Grandma Witt's for awhile, he also bridged that gap for us, and made us feel important to the "adults". Most of all, it was a transition place, a place that we were all welcome and all part of the family, truly related or not.

Grandma Witt, whether at her house or when she was at the Bethany Home, we always seemed to gather there. After school we would go to the Bethany Home and visit Grandma, she would have Bingo on Thursdays and we would help with that and though sometimes we acted like we didn't want to go, we definitely did. It was good, we all got to be together and at the same time, have fun. She always cared, she always knew when your birthday was and no matter what, used proper grammar at all times.
A role model, in so many ways, but mostly she taught us to stick together.

it wasn't long

It wasn't long before I realized that time with my mother was precious. Being "mom" to three young ones, working and going to school will make free time minimal at best. She was always there somehow though. She would leave us notes, or make sure that she read us a story. All of us piled into her bed to read a story, goodness knows which, books were important and it didn't matter the story as long as we got the point. It was a story, not real, but a story. Somehow, without saying it, it was always clear as to what was and wasn't real. In books they had big birthday parties, fancy dresses, and mysteries. In real life, at least in our house, we had small family parties, hand-me-down dresses, and the mystery of whether you'd get caught reading when you should be sleeping. Bed time was exciting though and exploring those worlds made my reality be whatever I wanted it to be. It was a story and a song, Mom would sing if she were home, and when she did, it was off-key and probably in the wrong pace or pitch, but it was perfect. Swing low, sweet chariot, I am climbing Jacob's ladder, and You are my sunshine topping the list of my favorites. With different seasons would come seasonal songs at times, Silent Night Holy Night and Holy Holy Holy, and in most cases the soft stroking of her thumb on my cheek would lull me to sleep no matter how hard I would fight it, knowing that she would be gone in the morning. If she weren't available, Grandma played a close second in my mind. When I would beg to stay up just a little longer, just so I could see her, to know she was home and safe and that I could sleep without fear that I'd wake up without her there, I knew I could win if I'd just say I missed her. Grandpa and Grandma probably gave into this too much, but how heartbreaking must it be to see a little girl just wanting her mommy? I can imagine the talks after I fell asleep about how they could break me of this habit.

In time, I came to realize that not only was my mother's time precious, but it was filled with her trying to improve our lives. She gave up a social life to work and go to school and raise her children, which is noble, but leaves me feeling that she could have had more. When time went on and new members were added to our family in the way of cousins, I couldn't help but think that one day I might not be the baby, which was a tiring and feared thought. What if a new baby did come someday? How could I possibly be replaced as the baby? I was the princess and would have it no other way. I needed my mom's time and hesitantly shared it with the brother and sister I already had.

When we had our few moments with her, they were treasured. I remember most clearly our "trips", we'd go to the beach for a day, or on a drive, in her cramped little car, always bringing lunch and never realizing that picnic lunches were a necessity, not just for fun.My favorite was the Wilder Ranch. They had a huge tree in the front of their property perfect for climbing, sprawling limbs with dips and curves, intertwining everywhere. It  had grayish brown bark, that was cracked and curling anywhere you looked. Behind it was the old farmhouse, and the stables and barns. In the stables they had huge horses and animals everywhere. There was a huge lawn and a circular driveway. It was not far from the beach and and you could smell saltwater in the air. It was my perfect place. Still now when I think about that day, I think about how that place is where I would love to live.

All-in-all, the woman who has taught me the most, who has given her life to others, and wanted nothing but good for all of us; is my mother. She has been my mentor, my best friend, my hope when I thought all was lost and loved me no matter the circumstance. I want nothing more than to be as much like her as I can. Selfless and loving, she is the most amazing woman I know.

new beginnings

I can't remember the exact moment. In fact, I don't even remember the exact day. What I do remember is that it was early in the morning and i could smell coffee brewing. My mind had decided it was time to wake up and I knew he'd be there, in his Dickies coveralls sitting in his chair reading the paper before work. He was. I didn't know at that time that he was a heading off to a job working for the Army Depot that he'd retire from one day. All I knew is that he would let me sip his coffee with him in the early hours of that morning if I crept in quietly enough.

I lived within a mile of my grandparents most of my life. In fact, most of my life I lived with them. Grandpa was tough, on all of us but if you caught him with his morning cup of coffee you would have a moment as sweet as the cup of coffee with two teaspoons of sugar that he was drinking. He held his position in the family the same way a pillar would hold a building. He acted as a father to us when one wasn't available and in fact would come to walk more than one of us down the aisle years later.

He grew up in the house we lived in. It was an old ranch style that had been remodeled to fit his expanding family. The six girls that grew up there still call it "home" and everyone of us grandkids have lived there, for one night or 18 years. It was our gathering place and one that had enough space for us all to find some sort of mischief.

The farm was home to many and the glue of it all was Grandma. Grandma was slow to speak but always had something to say to make you feel better when you were sad, feel supported when you needed it most, and feel guilty when you were doing something wrong. Grandma had raised girls all her life and was probably tired, but she certainly didn't show it. She pushed us, in more ways than one she was the motivation we all needed. While slaving over the stove or working in her garden she was always present.

She had grown up in Colorado and become a teacher. When she met Grandpa it was by accident through his cousin, but she became a fixture in that small town where she came to teach and stayed because of love. When Grandma spoke, you listened. Not only because you wanted to, but because you had to. It wasn't a choice and Grandpa made sure you were aware of that. In fact, if you didn't listen you might get pulled into the place you needed to be, mentally or physically. She was the end all and be all when it really came down to it and Grandpa backed her up in his actions and words. The two of them together made a great team, individually they were pretty good too, but with the iron fist of Grandpa and the gentle prod of Grandma, it was hard to go too wrong. Though my first memory is of Grandpa, most of my memories are of Grandma.
Not long after that first cup of coffee with Grandpa I remember most clearly the family gatherings we had, the first being of all of my aunts; Cheryl, Sharon, Sheila, and Shar- also my mother, Shellie, and all of my uncles and cousins being together. At the time, we met at Aunt Sheila and Uncle Steve's house, their children at the time consisted of Alan, Janel, and Mark. It had a been a hard few short years of life for me already and I was terrified of men that would be of "father" age, this included all of my uncles so I hid behind the couch. In the background of all the noise made by them talking, I could hear my Uncle Steve's pager going off, calling him in to his volunteer firefighter position with the local firehouse. I'm sure there were other things going on but I just thought "thank goodness, one more is gone." I now realize how silly it was to be scared of men but the short history of life with my father had made it difficult to like, trust, or even want to be around them. My father was abusive me/ntally and emotionally to my mother and brother and sister, and somehow my young mind had wrapped itself around this causing me fear of men around his age and so I just didn't want them around. I was ready to go home, and didn't even care that there was much fun to be had if I would just come out from behind the couch, but I simply didn't care.

Uncle Steve and Aunt Sheila's house was a home away from home for me, since Aunt Sheila would take care of me during the day so that my mom could work. Many days were spent in their "pool" which simply was an above ground pool filled with enough water to cool us off on the hot California afternoons. It was in this pool that I found out enough to know what algae was and to be scared of some of the neighbors. At Aunt Sheila's I also learned what Jehovah's Witnesses were since they came to the house every once in awhile. When this happened we, as children, were instructed to hide in the kids' bedroom until she told me to come out. Somestimes it seemed like forever and sometimes it didn't seem like anytime at all. But the time I remember the most is when we were playing in the living room and when they came, I got scared. So scared in fact that I ran into Aunt Sheila and Uncle Steve's bedroom rather than the kids' room with the rest of them. I sat there thinking I'd be in trouble and also so curious, hoping I could see through the crack in the door to see the Jehovah's Witnesses. I don't know if I was scared of them or just thought I was supposed to be since the adults always made us go into a room away from them whenever they came, I still don't know really why we had to hide. This also was the first time I experienced music outside of church and Grandma singing me to sleep at night. I could see Uncle Steve's guitar sitting there and wanted so badly just to touch it, but much too timid to do so.

When it came down to it, Aunt Sheila's house was exciting, my cousins were there and they had neighbors, something we didn't really have. There were more times than one that I was jealous of their neighbors especially since I wanted to be Janel's best friend and because she had someone to actually play with close by. On the other side of the fence laid a world that I wanted so badly to be part of but could barely touch. I hoped everyday that I would be included and though they did their best, it just wasn't the same as what Janel and Juliana had. As the years have gone by I often wondered if Janel and I would be so close now, if I hadn't kept clinging to that life.

There were many summer days that bled into falls and winters and of dreariness and bloomed into spring that I have , but almost all of them are with at least one family member. I can't imagine it any differently, and don't wish to, but wonder how different they would have been if they'd not been there. This isn't my story, it's our story.

juvenile.

why is it that people, though well into their twenties and thirties seem to still create and breed drama? It's really pretty annoying and I'm finding that those people are really not people I feel like being around. It's sad though because I feel like I'm losing some of my closest friends. I didn't know that this was highschool all over again.

the hype

Well, I was wondering today about people and their reactions. Especially people who get angry at situations or reactions to situations. It makes me laugh when people don't like something, though they may have never experienced it or tried to experience it. Then they rant and rave about how dumb or silly it is. In reality, I think it just makes them look silly and pretty inane. Ha. Anyhow, on another note, March is almost gone and we're looking a pretty serious snow storm headed our way which always makes me long for mild valley in the center of California. Also, work is going pretty well, somewhat slow on most days but it's just a job. I wish I could afford to do something that entertained me more or at least did some good, but alas, life demands so much more from me. Also, we're remodeling our house, so we can move. Again funny, because we're doing all the things that I've always wanted to do to it. Once we're done with all the things I've always wanted to do to our current house, we will be doing what only makes sense to people who are like-minded to my husband, and pulling up our roots and moving. All of about 4 blocks. Ah well. Sounds like a plan for now. Love to you all.

thinking about nothing

I'm so hoping that life will pick up soon. Now that I've begun to settle into my new job, things are a bit boring. I am definitely looking forward to getting our Christmas tree up. Kenny really wants it to go up. We went and looked at lights tonight. I thought Kenny's mouth would never stop gaping. It was quite cute. Also, I am hoping for a good snow soon. We haven't even had an accumulated inch thus far and it is a bit disheartening. I also am looking forward to the surprise paid day off of Christmas eve! This is a bit of a shocker and definitely very nice! So exciting! One of our friends had their baby this past week, congrats TR and N! Painting has been a solace for me lately. I have completed 5 works so far and can't seem to quit really. I like tangible things in my paintings... Real things incorporated with the paint feels good. It looks good. Anyhow, just a sidenote, but I've been having really vivid dreams lately. Not sure why but I can remember them days later. It's been about a week that I've been having one or two a night. I am waking up tired so that's not good, but it is interesting. :) Well, it is bedtime for me... Goodnight!
Love to you all.

blogging about work at work

well.... i got a new job! i will be working at Revival Animal Health in Orange City, IA. I am really excited and nervous too. But I have some other news too actually. First of all, my condolences to JNW and JLW. I am so sorry for your loss. Secondly, how cute is my niece? So cute... Congrats again Jason and Liz for making such an adorable baby. Thirdly, my mom is coming to visit. She will be here tomorrow. I'm so excited! And last, but certainly not least, Kenny will be 3 years old on Friday. Wow... it doesn't seem like he should be that old, I don't want to be the horrible mom that says, "BUT HE'S MY BABY!" But I want to at the same time... oh. (sad face) Well, peace and love to you all! Ciao for now!

i'm not clever or listening to music, so...yeah

well, not a whole lot has been going on really, but there are a few updates. first of all, congrats to sb and mb on their big news! second of all, i'm excited to say that i now have a new floor in my livingroom thanks to people who don't know how to do anything... or at least have the money to spend on things and then return them so i can get them majorly discounted. :) yay. also, kenny is now without pacifier, sippy cup, is starting to use the toilet and has had his bedroom made upstairs now (instead of in the far corner downstairs. it's made life easier and harder at the same time of course. kenny's birthday is coming up, one month away. still figuring out what we're doing for that. we've never really had a party for him. on his first birthday we did have a cake but haven't done anything else. well, we have time. :) ciao for now. all my love.

never never never says nothing to remember

well. it has been a long month. i was mostly in california for part of it watching my sister get married... i guess that's the only way i know how to put that. um, i like her new husband. he's nice. awkward turtle though that i had never met him before then. weirdness. my brother and his wife had their baby. a little girl named Hazel Rosemary. i haven't gotten to officially meet her either but the pictures of her are adorable... congrats brother and sister! i love you both. the other half of the month has consisted of me being at home and looking for a job and not doing much of anything. my wash machine broke so i am headed to the laundromat to wash some clothes... boo. love to you all

really?

well i'm not going back to the elementary school as a teacher's aide this year. i was offered a certain percentage of time that wasn't enough especially when i was going to have to pay for part of my insurance as well in a very costly sum of somewhere around $200 per month. agh! way too much for what i get paid working there. so therefore i am looking for a new job... again. imagine that. i don't know what to do right now.... i keep thinking it'll just come along, but of course that won't happen. anyway, if any of you hear of a job... one that pays well and gives benefits, full benefits that is, let me know. love to you all.

why don't you sit right down and make me smile

pure melodies and smooth soothing sounds resound from Beach House, Beau Jennings, Ben Wears A Duck Suit, Leah, Lightspeed Champion, She & Him, The Strugglers, and Travis Vick. What a beautiful day. I plan to enjoy this day by relaxing and then doing some easily procrastinated work that just must be done. Boo. JLee is coming home and that makes me way happy. I can't wait. Excitement overflowing. :)

dustin and paris

it was a beautiful day and a beautiful wedding. things got a little unruly as they seem to do sometimes, but what a wonderful day! time for bed though. congrats to dustin and paris!

kaboom!

I HATE KABOOM COMMERCIALS! i also hate it when people type in all caps... so now I have faced two of my pet peeves today. Just letting everyone know that I'm starting a new blog. Keeping this one as well, but my other blog will be more specialized and more precise about other things. Well, if you feel like it, check out http://www.donotquestionmyobsession.blogspot.com/ It should be interesting. Anyway, I've been doing the unspeakable and working for my inlaws and definitely hating having to do that. But summer work is hard to come by especially at 10 bucks an hour. Doc's certainly doesn't pay that. Even with tips it is hard to make that there so I don't kreally know how I can possibly say no. So I do that and hope that I can make it through the summer. Caio for now. All my love.

wish i could.

wish i could:
be someone else
be happy
avoid uncomfortable situations
feel like life is less surreal
feel like i'm me again
enjoy this great weather
appreciate that i am me, not someone with way worse issues
get away from this shit.

love you all.

they can do that???

I have been told that, I either will be forced to move to the middle school next year or forced to find a new job. In many many many more words of course and it was not quite that harsh. The way it was said though was almost worse though. Very round-about and not quite hitting it ever. I finally had to actually say it. Heh. So apparently schools can do that. Well, I guess it keeps life interesting right? Oh but I was told that if a lot of other aides decided not to come back, I could still work at the grade school.
p.s. I love my job, but also hate that somehow I screw up... alot. shit.
love you all!

life is like a wish list

Have you ever found yourself wanting more even though you have all you need? I have everything I could ever need, but am finding that I want more. So here's my list:
1) finish college
2) work for myself
3) a different vehicle
4) my house remodled
5) more "fun" money

What I hope and plan to do about it:
1) sign up for classes this summer
2) start putting more effort into my work
3) stop complaining and be content that i have a car that works and gets great mileage
4) save some money and start doing the small things this summer on my own
5) realize that fun doesn't take money

Ok, really this may gave been more for me than for anyone else to think about or care about. Thanks for listening. Be back later.
Love for now

flustar.com

the flu is at a season high in sioux center, and i have it. yay! not so fun actually. but if you ever want to see what the flu season is doing, check it out at www.flustar.com it's a great site, especially for teachers or anyone in the care profession to see what's going on with all that. have a lovely day! kisses.
sarbear

my car warranty

setting: home 6:15ish. eating supper of delightful pizza ranch.

*telephone rings* *i pick it up*
me: "Hello?"
prerecorded answering service: "Did you know that your warranty on your car is overdue and on it's final notice? To speak with a customer service agent blahblahblah.
me: *press 1 to speak to agent* -waiting. finally an aswer. "sigh"
telemarketer: "Make and model of your car please."
me: "uh, 94 chevy impala?" (p.s. not my real car)
tm: "How many miles are on your car ma'am?"
me: "I think 129,000." (pps not the real miles on my car)
tm: "Hold on one moment ma'am while I pull up your personal records."
me: "Ok."
tm: "Ma'am did you know that your warranty on your car is overdue and this is your final notice? Have you received any of our post cards to you?"
me: (shocked) "No, I have received any post cards or calls about my warranty! I am so worried about it!"
SILENCE FOR ABOUT 4 SECONDS
tm: "What you are is a smartass, buh bye." (hung up on.)
me: (shrieking with laughter. mom looks at me) "I'm not nice."
mom: "nope."

So.... yay for all telemarketers that actually say things like "smartass" on the phone.

too long gone

it's been way too long, i know. i've been very busy. almost everyone i am close to, who has a significant other, is pregnant. oh yes, i'm kinda just waiting to hear that the few left are preggers as well. i don't begrudge them this, but it does make me feel somewhat left as "the odd (wo)man out" ah well... life here is warming up finally.
p.s. i love telemarketers. really i do. will tell the story in a separate post.

i keep saying

... that i will get a job one day that does not require latex gloves, clorox wipes and/or disinfectant. but i am coming to realize that my wishes are simply not coming true and it doesn't seem like it will be soon before i will have a job that does not require at least one of these things if not all.

besides. i like clorox wipes. they're quite handy.

moral of the day: stop whining and get to work!